In the Secret

When I was in high school, we were seeing the explosion of the contemporary worship scene. Groups like Delirious, SonicFlood and David Crowder were joining the Hillsong and Maranatha communities in producing several worship albums a year. Incorporating contemporary music into our youth worship services was not difficult. One of those songs was called "In the Secret." The lyrics start as following:

"In the secret in the quiet place
In the stillness you are there
In the secret in the quiet hour
I wait only for you
'cause i want to know you more..."

I loved that song. I've always been imaginative, and knowing that God and I can meet in the secret and quiet place was comforting. Now I look at that song and inwardly shudder. Not because it's a bad song- it's still a great plea for nearness to God. I shudder because I know the secret place is not as rosy as it looks.

In the past twelve months, I have become far more aware of the secret place in my mind. It's the place where a confident exterior meets a terrified interior. The secret place is the gray area where I don't know if I'm doing something because it's the right thing to do or because it will make me look good.

David had a lot of things going against him, but he had this- he invited God right into the secret place. Psalm 139 is a beautiful psalm about knowing God, and it has some of the most contemptible language of the Bible:

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

After reading this psalm, it's a little easier and a little more meaningful to sing "In the Secret." Although I am not always proud of what goes on in my doubts and weaknesses, God doesn't stand at a distance judging. God stands right in it leading me in the way everlasting.