What I Wish I Never Would Have Asked For... Maybe.

Not too long ago, I wrote on the question "What Keeps You Awake at Night?" That question has not left me since. Even while planning the fall and winter worship services in our congregation, the idea of "Awake at Night" came up again in terms of our Christmas Eve service. It seems as though God wants this idea to percolate for a while.

But here's the thing... being kept awake at night is romantic in theory, but not so much fun in reality. I like my sleep. I want 8 hours, generally, every night. But I also sing songs of praise that invite God to give me "A Heart Like Yours" and to "Open the Eyes of My Heart." Now that I have asked the question... do I really want the answer?

For two or three weeks, I have lost hours of sleep. I have wrestled, and (nearly) wept, and gotten up to walk around. I wish I could blame caffeine or something, but the reality is that I can't. My caffeine consumption hasn't changed that much. But what has changed is that I am getting a bigger picture of what God wants to do, and I am in the Isaiah place of realizing that I can't possibly do it.

Staying awake at night has helped me have a heart like God's, a heart that breaks for the lost and demystifies the obstacles facing the Shalom Kingdom of Christ, but it also helps me face the obstacles sitting in me that keep me from becoming the person Christ wants me to be. Wrestling at night alternates between wrestling with God, wrestling with anxiety and wrestling with myself. Christ is shaping me to be a person with the capacity to face some of these big issues, but my fear of rejection, my guilt over mistakes and my shameful "I'm not good enough" stand in the way. And so, in these deep moments, I feel like Isaiah... but different. God asks "Who will go for us?" and I answer "It can't be me, I don't know how to do it!"

I long for the cleansing touch of the coals to my mouth. I long for the instantaneous sensation of being made "ready." But the Holy Spirit doesn't offer that to everyone, and I don't always have it. What I do have the still small voice that reminds me that I am a child of God, a member of a royal priesthood, empowered by the Spirit to face whatever God calls me to face, and not alone. And that still small voice knows that I cannot go without "slumber or sleep" (Psalm 121), and beckons me to that safe place of "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." Maybe I'll never understand that God who gives rest and keeps me up all night, but I'm sure not running away.